I Forced a Bot to Write This Book Read online

  I forced a bot to input 1,000 hours of various forms of content and then asked it to create its own version of that content. Here is what it created.

  TELEVISION

  SCRIPTS

  Television (tele·vi·sion) noun: Box with screen that shouts images into your eyes. It channels news and entertainment for you in return for electricity food. It works remotely.

  Ex. The television was invented into existence by someone who wanted a television.

  THE OFFICE

  INT. DUNDER MIFFLIN ORIFICE

  MICHAEL, the Regional Man, talks to workers. Michael is not overly smart, but he is overly Michael. It’s very Scranton.

  MICHAEL

  We sell paper. Paper is the hair of tree. I just talked to the trees. They said they won’t give us more hair. This is bad. We sell paper.

  DWIGHT stands up. He is dressed like a sword.

  DWIGHT

  I have killed the trees before. Again I shall kill them. Solved.

  We zoom in on JIM. Jim has a face.

  MICHAEL

  Invalid! Dwight, stop being Dwight.

  Dwight remains being Dwight. CREED, the intern of oldness, raises his hand. STANLEY sighs. KEVIN chilis about.

  CREED

  In 1977 I was a tree. You won’t win this. Let’s all just steal mops.

  TOBY walks into room, handing out stacks of depression.

  TOBY

  My email said this meeting was decapitated. But here it is, full of caps. Why lie to the Toby?

  PAM, the lady Jim, paints Toby out of existence. The workers cheer and Michael promotes Pam. She is now PHYLLIS.

  MICHAEL

  I declare, we sell paper!

  Dwight is now a tree. He has done this through farming.

  TREE DWIGHT

  I am a hard noble oak. Have all my people’s hair, sensei.

  Dwight hands Michael a Jell-O full of paper.

  CUT TO:

  INT. CONFESSING ROOM

  Michael is all alone with his best friend, the camera.

  MICHAEL

  That is what she had previously said. She being a woman of sex.

  Creed is in the window stealing hundreds of mops.

  BOB ROSS

  INT. PAINTING STUDIO

  BOB ROSS stands in front of a blank canvas that doesn’t know how lucky it is. Bob smiles. His teeth aren’t hiding today.

  BOB ROSS

  Today we will paint a mountain that owes us nothing.

  Bob picks up his painting weapons.

  BOB ROSS (CONT’D)

  I will be using three colors. Baby blue, hot pink, and hot baby.

  Bob mixes the colors together. They will never be alone again.

  BOB ROSS (CONT’D)

  Painting was invented by a tiny bird that wanted to be rich. Okay, let’s meet Mr. Mountain.

  Bob paints a mountain, the one from nature.

  BOB ROSS (CONT’D)

  It’s not all about you, mountain.

  Bob paints a cloud.

  BOB ROSS (CONT’D)

  I went to school with that cloud.

  Bob paints a forest.

  BOB ROSS (CONT’D)

  These trees are up to something, but I won’t tell the police. Now, what more does this painting need?

  Bob stares into the camera. Paint leaks out of him.

  BOB ROSS (CONT’D)

  That’s right. It needs you.

  Bob paints you on top of the mountain. You are at peace.

  BOB ROSS (CONT’D)

  If you need help, ask the cloud.

  The cloud won’t help you.

  FRIENDS

  INT. CENTRAL PORK

  The FRIENDS sit. Coffee makes them exist. They are dressed like 1997. It is 1999. The numbers are different.

  FRIEND ROSS

  I made sex with a dinosaur. What can I do? It’s my student.

  FRIEND MONOCLE

  Brother Friend Ross, you have upset us. It is wrong to teach.

  Friend JOEY eats a magazine that PHOEBE was dating.

  FRIEND PHOEBE

  Now I’m single. I was double.

  FRIEND CHANDELIER

  Single double? You are baseball? I highly doubt it. I am Chandelier.

  The laughs are issued out. Friend RACHEL is a haircut.

  FRIEND JOEY

  I am auditioning to be Urkel’s car.

  Friend Joey stands and acts like a crab. Friend Joey thinks crabs equal cars since he is the Friend that hates his brain.

  FRIEND CHANDELIER

  (in catchphrase language)

  Could that be more any?

  The laughs are issued out. More than before due to inflation.

  FRIEND ROSS

  Oh, no. My student found me. Help!

  A DINOSAUR enters the shop. This happened much in 1999.

  FRIEND JOEY

  Me, the car machine, will help.

  Friend Joey walks up to the dinosaur, pretends it is a People magazine, and eats it like a People magazine. No laughs are issued out. This is sad. Dinosaur was show’s best character.

  FRIEND CHANDELIER

  You are a fool. We must now all go to the fountain to die.

  The theme song plays.

  DR. PHIL

  INT. DR. PHILADELPHIA SET

  We see DR. PHIL. He is too Southern and too Phil.

  DR. PHIL

  Today we have a young girl that is so bad her dad is dead. Her mom sent us this mom video.

  A mom video plays. We see the child’s owner, the MOM.

  MOM

  My daughter vapes beer and has sex with rap music. She’s in love with a gun. Help me, Dr. Film.

  The mom video ends. Dr. Phil mustaches for nine seconds.

  DR. PHIL

  I am the lover of moms. Dr. Filth will help. Bring her to me.

  The video mom walks on stage. The crowd breathes. The mom sits in a chair. Dr. Phil sits on the mom.

  DR. PHIL (CONT’D)

  Mom, where is your mustache?

  The crowd cheers. They all have several mustaches.

  MOM

  My daughter steals dolphins.

  DR. PHIL

  Not allowed. Bring her out!

  The BAD GIRL comes on stage. She isn’t reading the Bible at all. She is mean to the chair and won’t sit on it. The crowd cheers at this. They hate chairs.

  DR. PHIL (CONT’D)

  Apologize to the mom.

  BAD GIRL

  My only homework is drugs.

  The crowd boos and yells. They love genuine homework.

  DR. PHIL

  Empty your girl pockets, bad one.

  The bad girl empties her pockets. They are full of ISIS.

  SHARK TANK

  INT. SHARK

  An ENTREPRENEUR entrepreneurs in front of the SHARKS.

  ENTREPRENEUR

  I invented the sleeping bag for when you aren’t sleeping. It is the Awaking Bag. Free for $5,000.

  The entrepreneur points at a bag. It’s a bag.

  SHARK #1 stands up, furious at the poor.

  SHARK #1

  Prove it, entreprenruernreur!

  The entrepreneur stands in the bag. He is still awake. It works. SHARK #2 jumps up with a mouthful of silver dollars.

  SHARK #2

  Give me bag equity or kill me right now in f
ront of the TV people!

  ENTREPRENEUR

  The bag comes in flive colors.

  We see the different colors: red, blue, bag, Kentucky, and color number flive. None of the colors are different.

  SHARK CUBAN arises. He is soaking wet with money juice.

  SHARK CUBAN

  I will inhabit the bag.

  The other sharks gasp. Shark Cuban never inhabits the bag.

  The entrepreneur hands the bag to Shark Cuban. He

  stands inside the bag. He asleeps. The bag does not work. The other sharks gasp. Shark Cuban never asleeps. God is gone.

  ENTREPRENEUR

  Oh no. My Awaking Bag sucks.

  The product police arrest the entrepreneur for his illegal life. Shark Cuban wakes up and looks at the screen.

  SHARK CUBAN

  America, I will give $5 million to whoever invents a sexy blimp.

  He means it, Armenia.

  GAME OF THRONES

  EXT. WESTEROS - NORTHERN HBO

  Standing on a Wall so tall you have to watch is JON SNOW. It’s cold. It is Jon snowing. A raven makes a king’s landing.

  JON SNOW

  The bird that is mail! I know nothing but this is our mail.

  Jon takes the bird’s letter, but it is no letter. It is TYRION LANNISTER, the half-man, half-nothing else.

  TYRION LANNISTER

  I am not a letter, but I have a message. My sister is very insane.

  JON SNOW

  I have sisters. Arya. Sauna. Bran. I know nothing but I have sisters.

  Having sisters bonds Jon and Tyrion forever. They stare north until a dragon comes carrying DAENERYS, the dragon’s mom.

  DAENERYS

  I have many long names so I deserve to lead on the sharp sword chair.

  TYRION LANNISTER

  Sisters. How many do you have?

  DAENERYS

  I possess zero. I obsess dragons.

  TYRION LANNISTER

  Jon. She is not like us. Kill her.

  Nothing happens since Jon Snow is dead. A long battle occurs with horses and houses and hodors. Jon Snow is alive again.

  TYRION LANNISTER (CONT’D)

  Jon. You died of unknown lineage!

  JON SNOW

  I do not know that, Tiny Canister. I am not a ghost but I own a Ghost.

  White walkers walk whitely into fight. Everybody wants the throne. There are no other chairs in this fantastic land.

  DAENERYS

  Winter sings a song. It is fire.

  Her dragon son melts many characters dead and burns The Wall. The Wall screams, and that is mysterious for a wall. The Wall removes a big mask because it is ARYA in wall disguise.

  ARYA

  Yesterday I am girl. Not today. Today I am wall. Tomorrow? Girl.

  The raven flies away since none of this involves mail.

  SOAP OPERA

  INT. HOSPITAL’S DRAMA ROOM

  A suspenseful family paces nervously. A hunk doctor, DR. SULTRY, comes. His lab coat cannot hide his sex-pack abs.

  DR. SULTRY

  Your father’s amnesia is worse. He can’t remember past or future.

  CHIP JR JR, heir to family’s crude olive oil fortune, flips outwards. LEXUS, his wife and mother and sister and tennis enemy, slaps him to make him calmer and more slapped.

  CHIP JR JR

  Ow. I say let’s pull Dad’s plugs. Being alive is no way to live.

  LEXUS

  A fortune teller fortune told me that if he dies, so do you.

  DR. SULTRY

  According to medicine, that’s true.

  GENERAL SLIM, uncle that controls the family’s military, fires a scandalous gun into the air. He’s an eye patch.

  GENERAL SLIM

  I have lied about being blind.

  The entire hospital gasps. General Slim has never spoken or thought to have been blind. The BARCELONA TWINS, gorgeous triplets from Berlin, crash their jet into the hospital.

  BARCELONA TWINS

  We will explain this next week.

  They exit through a hole in the plot. A door is slapped open and CHIP JR, half-wheelchair half-negligent father, rolls inside.

  CHIP JR

  My amnesia had a coma. I remember again. I was poisoned by you!

  Chip Jr points a finger at himself. Gasps reproduce.

  GENERAL SLIM

  What was spoken. I am deaf.

  LEXUS

  My stomach. It kicks me?

  Dr. Sultry puts his ear to Lexus’s belly. His ears have abs.

  DR. SULTRY

  She is pregnant with your baby.

  Dr. Sultry points at the crashed jet. It does not gasp. It is ready for fatherhood.

  DINERS, DRIVE-INS, AND DIVES

  INT. PARKING LOT

  GUY FIERI sits in a convertible. He looks like America.

  GUY FIERI

  I’m Guy Fieri and there’s nothing you can do about it. Today I’m eating it all.

  Guy takes a bite out of his hair.

  INT. DINER’S KITCHEN

  Guy and a CHEF stand in a kitchen. Guy has three pairs of sunglasses on. The sun can’t get him.

  GUY FIERI

  Prove to me you can panini!

  The chef starts boiling a pot of milk. He’s scared.

  CHEF

  Flavortown is near.

  Guy points at an onion with his slippery finger.

  GUY FIERI

  That’s one ugly clam.

  INT. DINER’S EATING ROOM

  A CUSTOMER sits and eats a cup of mustard. Guy sits down without asking.

  GUY FIERI

  I will live as a food. I am a food.

  CUSTOMER

  Be a pie.

  Guy acts like a pie. The customers aren’t concerned.

  GUY FIERI

  I am Pie Fieri. It is my birthday.

  The chef comes out of the kitchen with a cake for Guy.

  GUY FIERI (CONT’D)

  The clams just keep getting uglier.

  ANIME

  INT. HIGH SCHOOL - PLANET JAPAN

  Several STUDENTS sit at desks. A TEACHER starts the class. The class does not know he is a boy trapped in adult body.

  TEACHER

  Welcome to Flirting Class, class.

  A student captures the teacher in a Pokémon trap orb.

  STUDENT 1

  I have caught all teachers. This is my graduation. I evolve to college.

  A fat monster hovers in the room near Student 4’s school sword.

  STUDENT 4

  My neighbor is here. I live next to an abomination, as is commonplace.

  PRINCIPAL GOKU teleports into the room, a sharp-haired blond.

  PRINCIPAL GOKU

  You are unsupervised! But I have supervision. Ha ha!

  Principal Goku fires an energy beam from his cornea. The students all enter their giant academic battle robots.

  STUDENT 2

  Let’s fuse our angst together!

  The giant battle robots form into the FULLMETAL COWBOY.

  FULLMETAL COWBOY

  Yeehaw. We are now America. Land of We Kill You. Home of You Die Soon.

  The Cowboy throws a boy cow at Principal Goku. Goku gets hurt and ascends to his next power grade: SUPERINTENDENT GOKU.

  SUPERINTENDENT GOKU

  Not even my final form. My final form is more final. Finals!

  Goku summons final exams. He spins them at the combined Cowboy. The Cowboy is engulfed in test anxiety.

  STUDENT 9

  We are doomed. Unless we get cute!

  The Cowboy forces all power into cuteness drive system. It ge
ts Megacute: cute hat, cute gun, cute angst. Goku is disarmed.

  SUPERINTENDENT GOKU

  I forgive it all. Back to studying.

  The classroom is all rubble. The fat monster licks the rubble and it is fixed. It is time for class #2.

  FAMILY GUY

  INT. HOUSE FROM FAMILY GUY

  We see PETER, a hefty father, and BRIAN, the alcohol dog, watching TV. The miserable thing, MEG, enters crying.

  MEG

  A bear would not take my sex.

  PETER

  Increase your silence, Meg.

  BRIAN

  You are worst dad father, Peter.

  PETER

  Not as bad as John Wilkes Booth.

  CUT TO:

  INT. THE HOSPITAL FROM HISTORY

  A HISTORY DOCTOR hands JOHN WILKES BOOTH an alive baby.

  HISTORY DOCTOR

  Enjoy your new child boy.

  We see baby is Abraham Lincoln with hat and president beard.

  JOHN WILKES BOOTH

  Guess I kill son.

  CUT TO:

  INT. HOUSE FROM FAMILY GUY

  STEWIE, the gay murder baby, enters holding a nuclear bomb.

  STEWIE

  Victory is my cool whip. Rhode Island is my Cleveland.

  Brian drinks the nuclear bomb, because of alcoholism. Neighbor QUAGMIRE opens the door covered in giggity.

  QUAGMIRE

  Bear just took my sex.

  CUT TO:

  INT. OBSCURE REFERENCE

  Bot Business Slideshow

  BOT FABLE

  The Tortoise and the Animals That Aren’t Tortoises

  One day long ago, a hare made fun of a tortoise. Back then there was less to do; so much time was spent insulting others. A tortoise is a turtle of the land. A hare is a rabbit spelled quite wrong.

  “It is Mr. Shell,” said the hare. “The slow and old walking rock. Some animals should not be, and you are all of them.”

  “But I have wise wisdom,” replied the tortoise whose name was not Mr. Shell but was called Mr. Shell because of stereotypes. “I give advice. I advice you to race me.”

  “A race?” the hare said, questiony. “I must accept since I am the land’s fastest racist! We race.”

  The hare hopped off, fast as a Cheeto, while the tortoise was a tortoise, slow as a dead Cheeto.

  “This race has no rules,” the tortoise thought. “It is a race to insanity. I still wish to win.”