I Forced a Bot to Write This Book Read online

  The blue square has no words on it. Trebek throbs with power, but he is silent. Louis 3 doesn’t know the answer. Louis 2 is dead. Louis 1 buzzes in.

  LOUIS 1 (CONT’D)

  What is right here?

  TREBEK

  FALSE! No Oreos exist in my realm!

  Louis 1 pulls an Oreo out of his mouth. Trebek screams in Canadian as his body turns to lava. We cut to commercial.

  QUEER EYE

  EXT. ATLANTA, GORGEOUS

  The Fabbed Five sit in a truck that has good self-esteem. TAN, CEO of shirts, sees who they will make cry tears today.

  TAN

  We go to Grilly’s home to help. He is 44-years-mold. He works at a cargo pants. He’s dating Arby’s.

  BOBBY, builder of every structure on Earth, thinks of lumber.

  BOBBY

  Nothing five hammers cannot fix.

  The truck spits them all out at Grilly’s home. Grilly’s home is a giant bottle of Mountain Dew drink. GRILLY sits in a swimming hole of unbrushed teeth, happily unhappy.

  TAN

  Teeth king, are you a Grilly?

  GRILLY

  Yes. Sorry for the mess that is I.

  JONATHAN, bride of grooming, fires his shampoo ray at Grilly.

  JONATHAN

  Sorry not, doll. I want you soaping daily. That is a skincare poutine.

  GRILLY

  Lather my exterior? A viable idea.

  Groceries professor, ANTONI, sees no guacamole. He’s worried.

  ANTONI

  What do you place in your stomach?

  Grilly points at a suitcase. Antoni opens it. Apathetic maple syrup pours out. Antoni screams until Bobby builds a dam.

  ANTONI (CONT’D)

  I will show you how to bake a lime.

  GRILLY

  Thank you, Anchovy.

  Grilly gets out of the teeth hole. KARAMO, culture daddy, takes off one of his many jackets and gives to Grilly.

  KARAMO

  Open your heart’s mancave, caveman.

  Bobby has built Grilly five new mansions from reclaimed sand.

  SEINFELD

  INT. SEINFELD PLACE

  GEORGE and ELAINE sit on the couch. JERRY eats a plate of cereal. George is upset. Elaine is Elaine.

  GEORGE

  A bird stole my job! It’s not fair!

  ELAINE

  Don’t blame the bird.

  GEORGE

  I wasn’t blaming the bird.

  JERRY

  You were blaming the bird.

  The door shatters open. It’s THE KRAMER dressed like the Statue of Liberty.

  THE KRAMER

  Well, I’m the government now.

  JERRY

  How can this be?

  THE KRAMER

  I just asked!

  ELAINE

  You can just ask?

  THE KRAMER

  You can just ask.

  You can just ask. The Kramer eats Jerry’s plate.

  GEORGE

  Well, maybe the bird requires blame!

  THE KRAMER

  Why is George?

  ELAINE JERRY

  He blames the bird. He blames the bird.

  THE KRAMER

  Bird blaming? Not when I’m the government. Repent. Repent. Repent.

  George will not repent. He will face the consequences.

  SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS

  INT. KRUSTED KRAB

  SQUIDWARD, an octopus made of depression, works sadly. MR. KRABS, crustacean of business, walks over. Mr. Krabs is hungry for a bag of dollars. Squidward is hungry for a bag of death.

  MR. KRABS

  Why no customers? Not good! Money is my wife. Whale is my daughter.

  SQUIDWARD

  My heart is a clarinet. Black with holes that commerce cannot fix.

  PATRICK enters. He is dumb and pink, like a star. He stumps up to Squidward, confident with unintelligence.

  PATRICK

  Ten Krabby Patricks, extra Patrick. I pay with the money of Patrick.

  Patrick pays with water, the fabric of his world. False currency makes Mr. Krabs red with crab anger.

  MR. KRABS

  Sand is the bones of customers that money lie to me, pink thing.

  PATRICK

  I lack bones and I lack fear.

  SPONGEDBOB comes from grill. He is a sponge in man clothes without explaining. When he speaks, spatulas fall out.

  SPONGEDBOB

  Friends! Let us be happy! We have secrets and snails! Life is wet!

  PATRICK

  I do not know you, sponge.

  Patrick picks up SpongedBob and forms him into a clarinet. Patrick hands the sponge instrument to Squidward.

  PATRICK (CONT’D)

  Play a song of victory.

  SQUIDWARD

  I know only victimry.

  Squidward blows a tune of tears. Spatulas pour out of the sponge. Mr. Krabs charges his crab ears money to listen to the song. Patrick shows the smile of unemployment.

  Bot dating profiles

  Bot wedding announcement

  Bot obituary

  Bot Steamy Romance Novel

  The Plowman’s Harvest Was My Own Grain

  I first saw his shape, strong and man-shaped, when my car stopped having four wheels. I was on the side of the road, trying to phone the tireman to deliver me a new rubber circle, but my phone stopped having life.

  “Terrible,” I said to my skimpy outfit. “How will I enter the city on time for the Businesswoman Gala? I am to receive a deserved hard gold trophy.”

  Then the plow was seen. Sleek and long, fresh from the testosterone fields. Riding was the hunk of human lust. Straw hat on his dome, straw piece in his man mouth, straw clothing barely covering his many biceps. If this was a scarecrow, I did not want to be a crow since I would be scared. I normally wanted to be a crow.

  “How-D,” he said like a cowboy having his way with language. Lucky language. I wished I was words. Words of a sexable age. “Need help getting your tire erect?”

  He pulled out of his grunting plow. A statue of a man. I wished I were the Museum of Chiseled Flesh so he would be in my warm lobby. But I was just the Museum of No Boyfriend, closed all days of the week.

  “If you can,” I lipped to him. “It is flat. I am not.” My breasts heaved a hello. “What are you called?”

  “The Plowman,” said the plowman. He kissed the bad tire and it was now good.

  “I am also a tire,” I hinted, hoping to receive a sensual smooch attack. “Please fix me.”

  Sweat glistened off of the plowman’s throbbing head of hair. Brown hair. The color of a crayon named Rough Intercourse. He gazed at me. Piercing eyes of passion. I blushed, my cheeks full of juicy blood, a vampire’s snack.

  “A lie,” the plowman verbally thrusted. “A tire could not be so beautifully hot. May I wrap you in grain?”

  “A grain girl? Myself? Currently, I am CEO of Feminism at New York Corporation. I live a life of money and gadgets.”

  I knew the plowman did not know what anything meant. He probably only knew three ideas: farmwork, love, and eating chickens in one fleshy bite. I wished I was a chicken, but not a crow. There’s a birdly difference.

  “I have a secret.” The plowman flexed his brow, dislodging rich soil from grooves of ruggedness. “You are my type: female.”

  I swooned so devastatingly that I fainted into a lust coma. I awoke in the plowman’s bed of corn. He gazed down at me.

  “May I replace your clothes with nothing?” he asked, already knowing the response would be a strong affirmation of nudity.

  He then took me. I took him back. Taking and more taking unt
il there was nothing to take. We both were out of energy and out of breath and out in a public farm field.

  He rolled on his burly side. “I am sorry, but we cannot be married.”

  “Why not?” It was my life’s dream to marry him ever since twelve minutes prior.

  He frowned and tears that smelled like motor oil came from his thick eyes. “I am already wed. I am the husband of the Earth. Do you know her?”

  The Earth. I knew that blue and green bitch of a planet well. I lived on her wide load. I would have to get rid of her to have my man. My plowman.

  I kissed his sensual cheekbone and whispered into his nose. “Do not worry, my big love guy. I will make this all work. We will be buried together in the sexiest graveyard.”

  I called the President of America for a nonsexual favor.

  Movie scripts

  Movie (mov·ie) noun: A story captured by a camera through deception and film. Only visible in a dark box with seats while consuming popped corn in a buttery bath.

  Ex. I love the movie with the character that talks words. I have seen it zero times.

  THE CHRISTMAS ON CHRISTMAS (HALLMARK CHANNEL CHRISTMAS MOVIE)

  INT. SMALL TOWN SNOW GLOBE REFILLERY

  We see a SINGLE MOTHER refilling snow globes with Christmas juice. She is widow. Her husband died in every war.

  SINGLE MOTHER

  I refill globes better than Jesus Claus, yet still my twins are dad-free. Why? They need double dad.

  BUSINESS MAN enters the shop. He wears clothes that cost money. His hands are briefcases, and he’s Hallmark hot.

  SINGLE MOTHER (CONT’D)

  Hi. Do your snow globes lack wet? Hurry. Christmess attacks soon.

  Business Man has flashback to when he was Business Boy. A Christmas tree explodes his family on purpose. He now hates trees and Christmas and explosions. He exits the flashback.

  BUSINESS MAN

  Shut your sound! I am from Huge City. I bought your land and am turning it into an oil resort.

  SINGLE MOTHER

  Rude behavior! This is a family business. I sell families. I am widow. My husband is now bones.

  Single Mother points to her husband’s bones in the corner of the room. They are all giftwrapped in eggnog.

  BUSINESS MAN

  All of my wives are bones! That is America. But I must make money for my twins to live. They are a prince.

  SINGLE MOTHER

  I, too, own twins. Please, don’t have bought my land. Christmas is today.

  BUSINESS MAN

  Laugh. I bought Christmas and now it is never. Unless we go on dates.

  SINGLE MOTHER

  I cannot date because of a snow curse. I pray Santa helps me.

  Santa cannot help. She did not know but Santa was her husband. Santa is bones. Bones help nobody.

  INDIANA JONES MOVIE

  INT. THE CAVE THAT WROTE THE BIBLE

  We see INDIANA JONES, sweaty with dust and hatted with hat. A giant boulder follows him everywhere since it is 1930s.

  INDIANA JONES

  I must watch for boob traps.

  He looks at a wall wrongly and thirty spears fire. He dodges while being ruggedly handsome. He examines a spear.

  INDIANA JONES (CONT’D)

  Being archaeology professor, I know this spear is old. From past, I bet.

  On a pedestal we see the item of seeking: the Holy Crystal Skull of the alien Jesus Christ. Indiana steps to it.

  VOICE OF GERMANY

  Not so fast, Dr. Jeans.

  The state of Indiana turns and sees HITLER, the Nazi’s evil quarterback. Hitler aims two snakes at Indiana.

  INDIANA JONES

  Why must it be snakes? Other things exist, I believe! Like fish.

  HITLER

  Snakes are Nazis now! Get used to it. Now take skull and give to me.

  INDIANA JONES

  It belongs in a museum so people can look at it being old! Jesus was a car painter. He loved museums.

  HITLER

  Museums are Nazis now!

  Indiana hates this. He uses his whip to grab the Crystal Skull and flings it at Hitler’s German skull. Hitler catches it with his puny mustache.

  HITLER (CONT’D)

  Moron. Now I have the power of Christianity. I own Sundays.

  Hitler stares into the skull. Indiana Jones shoots Hitler. Hitler forgot to make bullets into Nazis, so they are still his enemy and he dies.

  INDIANA JONES

  This was all archaeology.

  He tries to take the alien head, but the Nazi snakes guard it. He gives up since he has a college class to teach in seven minutes.

  ACTION MOVIE TRAILER

  EXT. HIGH OCTANE CITY

  Screen is black, but we hear a piano slowly cough.

  TRAILER’S VOICE

  This summer. Revenge is a cop.

  We see OFFICER REVENGE handcuffing an illegal U-turn. He is a muscle, strong as an ox, attractive as an ox. Might be ox.

  TRAILER’S VOICE (CONT’D)

  But crime pays. Direct deposit.

  A DRUG LORD fires a cocaine gun at a baby, addicting it to cocaine. Baby didn’t want this. Baby wanted the milk gun.

  DRUG LORD

  I am bad, but arresting me is hard. My wife is the Queen of Police.

  Piano music is replaced with a loud hip hop guitar rap in the key of metal. Quick scenes flash: a helicopter dies, a lady wears a bra, Officer Revenge gets divorced multiple times, bullets enter kidneys, a yacht loses a serious election.

  TRAILER’S VOICE

  Good meets evil when Dirty Harry meets Dirty Sally. Nobody is clean.

  Rain falls down on a funeral for all of Officer Revenge’s sexual ex-wives. Drug Lord bribed the clouds to rain.

  OFFICER REVENGE

  I have nothing left to lose. Except my cool. I shall now lose my cool.

  Officer Revenge fires his gun at the clouds. It is illegal to accept rain bribes, so this is warranted. The PRIEST frowns hard.

  PRIEST

  You shoot the good lord, not the bad lord. The Drug Lord. The Me.

  The Priest removes his Catholic mask. He is the Drug Lord. Officer Revenge turns his hands into fists using ox magic.

  TRAILER’S VOICE

  Masks will be worn. Guns will be fired. IMAX will be more money.

  Drug Lord and Officer Revenge both punch. Their fists slam together causing the yacht to lose another election.

  TRAILER’S VOICE (CONT’D)

  This summer. A movie will bust your block. This movie. This summer.

  The title is spelled with body bags pretending to be letters: THIS GUN FIRES MORE GUNS.

  SHREK

  INT. FAIRY TALE FOREST

  The green ogre, SHREK, and his ugly dog, DONKEY, walk through trees. They are on a mission to stink up an evil castle.

  DONKEY

  Shrek, why you so round? I thought ogres were strong, not chunk lords.

  SHREK

  Ogres and I are like onions. We make farmers money when sold.

  Shrek speaks like Scotland lives in his throat. Donkey speaks like Scotland never existed which is more correct.

  DONKEY

  I am married to a dragon female.

  SHREK

  I am aware, but wish I was not.

  The GINGERBREAD MAN, a cookie with the will to live, runs to Shrek. He’s chased by RUMPELSTILTSKIN, whose name is unknown.

  GINGERBREAD MAN

  Help. Help me, Shrok. My murder would be tasty, but undesired!

  The cookie hides behind Shrek’s greasy, girthy greenness.

  SHREK

  Leave the cookie. It is my friend for a reason. A hidden reason.

  RUMPELSTILTSKIN


  Guess my name! Let’s bet! If you guess wrong, you owe me a baby. If right, I owe you a baby.

  In fairy tales, babies are what you win at games.

  DONKEY

  My babies are dragon donkeys.

  RUMPELSTILTSKIN

  That is not my name. You’ve lost!

  Donkey owes one of his terrible babies, due to the law of stories.

  SHREK

  Names are earned, not guessed.

  Shrek punches Rumpelstiltskin causing him to burst into hay, the rice for horses. Shrek kills because this is kids movie.

  DONKEY

  You are just like an onion.

  HORROR MOVIE

  EXT. HOUSE THAT WEARS HOCKEY MASK

  An OLD MAN cuts the grass by stabbing it with an axe. FOUR TEENS arrive in a car that runs on sex. They exit car. It is Spring Break, a time for teens to guzzle fluids and die off.

  TEEN 1

  Old man, you do not belong. We rent this house for week of young times.

  OLD MAN

  I am caretaker. I care. Do not stay in house. Kitchen is a monster. Witch is basement. Beds are ghosts. Sink hates priests. TV is a book.

  TEEN 2

  Get buried. You are a waste of age!

  Teen 2 is the state jerk. His college major is Vodka Law.

  TEEN 3

  Maybe we leave? This place gives me the crepes.

  TEEN 4

  Stop acting chicken. Your virginity is making you a bird, as usual.

  The house door swings open. A little girl comes out orphanly.

  TEEN 2

  Your sobriety is not appreciated.

  Teen 2 throws a can of gin at the little girl. The little girl turns into a TEXAS CHAINSAW, but is still orphan.

  TEXAS CHAINSAW

  Die, y’all. Houston Dallas.

  Teen 3 makes a scream. Teen 4 makes a Scream 2. The Texas Chainsaw cuts off Teen 2’s body. His blood says hi to all.

  TEEN 1

  No! Teen 2 needs a body to drink.

  Teen 3 calls 911 but a Frankenstein answers and is upset.

  OLD MAN

  Run into the car. Go! I end this.

  Teen 1 and Teen 3 run into house. Teen 4 runs into chainsaw.

  OLD MAN (CONT’D)